May 13th

A fine, cool day, overcast. We are in latitude about sixteen or seventeen. Williams was right about our having the “Trade Wind”. It commenced the next day about noon – thus far it has been rather light. Until today the weather has been very warm. I have felt the heat very much. It has caused at all times a dull headache and made me feel nervous and restless. I cannot help a feeling of dread coming over me when I think of that hot voyage from San Francisco to China. I wish from all my heart that I was not so captious. Why cannot I be mild and gentle. If I would but stop to think, sure I am I should be for I do so much admire these qualities in others. They are very loveable but I fear I am sometimes harsh, rude and rough. I am too excitable, have too much action and impulse. I wish I could be quiet and calm. I have mentally resolved and resolved to try to be all these – but I really think I grow worse and worse. This is most discouraging and so in despair I write it all out on paper – hoping thereby to make some more lasting impression.